{Invisible}

Have you ever wished you could make yourself invisible? Or, make like Harry Potter and whip out an invisibility cloak? Well lately... that's how I've felt.

The reason?

I think it's because it is finally starting to sick in that my brother is really gone for 2 years. So far it's only been 3 weeks and I've handled it, well, better than I thought I would. It's tough when I get his letters. Every letter I get I have to take into another room to read so that my family doesn't see me get teary eyed. {sorry mom, I wish I was tougher} When I write my letters to him there is so much that I want to say but can never write on paper. Ya there have been a couple letters I have wrote him about how bad I miss him and how badly I want him to come home... those letters never made it in the mailbox. They still lay in a clump on my desk. Instead I change my letters to words of encouragement and happiness. Words of advice with lots of smiley faces and drawings. I guess in some ways I made a part of me invisible.. to him... but I can still see it. I can still see the letters sitting on my desk and it's times like these when I wish I could make myself invisible.


In case that isn't reason enough... I think it's starting to sink in that Nate is leaving in 2 weeks. 2 weeks and four days...one of those weeks he'll be gone and the other is spent with other family flying in. So that leaves us with 4 days...just typing that made my heart sink a little.
Who would've thought that letting these boys do such a good work could be so difficult?
Definitely not me. There is so much I wanted to do still. So much we've talked about. It seems like only yesterday Nate was saying, "Don't worry about it, I've still got a year." Now it just seems like a ticking clock. Sometimes it feels like I'm just waiting for the final buzzer to ring.

So what do you do? What do you do after he's gone? Of course write him. Of course leave your room other than simply going to the bathroom, showering and eating. But what do you do? Well I guess that's for me to find out. The day that final buzzer rings is the day we start new adventures. Things are going to change. He will be doing nothing but serving and doing the work of the Lord 24/7. I will be starting a new chapter and going to college and dating and all kinds of things. I should be excited. I should be all kinds of things. But the fact is... I don't know what I am. And it's times like these when I could drape over that invisibility cloak. So for now I just am. There isn't anything I am. I just am.
Just am invisible.